To write a haiku
All you need to know is this:
Five, seven, and five.

Five, seven, and five:
Perhaps the measurements of
A pregnant fairy.

A pregnant fairy
Blames the watermelon seeds
We suspect Kid Rock

We suspect Kid Rock
Is the son of Dad Boulder
Weighing down the earth

Weighing down the earth:
Someone’s got to do it, so
Pass the tater tots.

Pass the tater, tots!
If we cut it up real small,
It could last all week.

It could last all week,
this ennui, this emptine–
OMG! LOLCAT!1!!!

OMG! LOLCAT!1!!!
I’M IN UR HAIKU WEBSITE
CRUNCHING SYLLABLES

Crunching syllables,
consonant indigestion,
vowel laxative.

Vowel Laxative:
A…E…I…O… and sometimes
ewwww! ‘Scuze while I change.

Ewwww, ’scuze while I change
my mind ’bout the “yum” factor
of vegan cheesecake.

Of vegan cheesecake
Or firefighter beefcake,
The choice is simple.

The choice is simple:
sing and dance without your pants,
or life poorly lived.

Or life; poorly lived
in a small room behind bars.
Yet, no cell service.

Yet, no cell service.
Mitochondria on strike.
Energy crisis!

Energy cri, sis!
“Wonder Twin Powers Activ…!”
…too late. Water’s out.

Too late, water’s out,
fire’s passé, air’s last year,
earth’s the latest fad.

Earth’s the latest fad.
Once loved, becomes forgotten;
bell bottoms and plaid.

Bell bottoms and plaid.
Who invited Jack Ramsay?
Ref calls party foul.

Ref calls party foul.
An eggnog fruitcake?!?!? … Goodbye!
Host can clear a room.

Host can clear a room;
he gets boisterous when drunk.
Juggles the steak knives

“Juggles! The steak knives
are for eating not throwing.”
Bad circus monkey.

Bad Circus! Monkey,
fetch me the cannons and clowns!
Bring this big top down.

“Bring this big top down
Button by button, lover.”
“D cups! Schwing!” he said.

“D cups! Schwing!” he said,
“He was, like… bitchin’!” she said,
My parents first date.

My parents first date,
then sign the binding contract.
Boarding school for me!

“Boarding school? For me?!
Oh, you shouldn’t have! It’s just
Perfect!” (Aside: “Ass.”)

Perfect! A side… Ass
Clitoral stimulation
Lovin’-Doggy-Style

“Lovin’ Doggy”, “Style
Kitty”, “Cowsmopolitan”…
Pets need advice too!

Pets? Need advice? Too
many crazy cat ladies
have no friends. Scary!

Have no friends? Scary
voices in your head? You just
may be a psycho!

“May be a psycho,
but lovely penmanship.” My
First grade report card.

First grade report card
Foreshadowed her tendency
For mischief, mayhem.

For Mis’ Chief: Mayhem
will occur if Joanna
breaks “The Great Haiku”

Breaks? The Great Haiku
needs no breaks! I’ll do more lines!
Paper! Pens! Cocaine!

“Paper, Pens, Cocaine!”
my mom packs my bag for school.
(my mom is Kate Moss).

My mom is Kate Moss.
This is how we always eat.
Now, take your top off.

Now take your top off.

Lick the vanilla centre.

Finish with wafers.

“Finish with wafers
and Cool Whip to hide charred spots.”
My Grandma’s secret.

My Grandma’s secret:
snide jabs that wore away my
mother’s self-esteem.

Mother’s self-esteem
grew when giving birth, but dropped
when called to post bail.

When, called to post bail:
“You do know my last name is
‘Hellfreezesover’…”

Hell freezes over
preparing for an influx
of sinful penguins.

Of sinful penguins
undue concern is expressed…
who will save their souls?

“… who will save their souls
Yada daht da dada ”
My pastor’s ring tone.

My pastor’s ring tone
Makes me feel guilty each day…
since I stole his phone.

Since I stole, his phone
is ringing, “Bail me out, dear”
Effing shoe fetish

“Effing shoe fetish
stole his sole,” she said archly.
“Now he’s such a heel.”

“…now he’s such a….” “Heel!
Leave it!” Its hard to defend
my werewolf boyfriend.

my werewolf boyfriend
I cannot hold him at bay
under the full moon

Under the full moon
I wear SPF fifty
I miss the ozone…

I miss the “O” zone
but I’m a man, so I won’t
ask for directions.

Ask for directions
And what do you get? A long
blank stare and some drool.

Blank stare and some drool.
Sure, the meal is fresh; but that
fish eye creeps me out

Fish Eye creeps me out,
But not as much as his boss,
Cod Liver Louie.

Cod?! Liver?! Louie
should not be allowed to pick
the pizza toppings.

The pizz atop Ping’s
Store has fermented to a
gnarly yet sweet scent.

Gnarly yet sweet, s[c]ent
o’er strains of goth metal,
his verse won dark heart.

His verse won. Dark heart
succumbs to sweet words. That, and
too much tequila.

Too much tequila,
and we’re all a bit ‘Country.’
The Osmond’s secret.

The Osmonds’ secret?
The four B’s: Bible, Botox,
Brylcreem, Bedazzler.

Brylcreem, Bedazzler,
and Bowie paved the pathway
to androgyny.

“To androgyny
and beyond!” Lightyear’s cry for
the loss of Woody.

The loss of woody.
Thought her hot, then noticed her
big adam’s apple.

Big Adam’s Apple:
At the sight, my Granny Smith
Turned green with envy

…turned green with envy?
What a dumb super-power!
I wish it was mine.

I wish it was mine.
And no, smartass, I don’t have
the penis envy.

The “penis envy”
phrase is less vulgar if said:
“Phallic coveting.”

Phallic coveting?
*Not* one of the commandments.
We are good to go!

“WE ARE GOOD!” — to go
right next to “THINK YES!” — our new
bullshit happytalk…

Bullshit, Happy… talk
to us about how Dopey
keeps his briefs snow white.

Keeps his briefs. Snow White
liked mementos. Turns out this
ain’t no fairytale.

Ain’t no fairy! Tale
ya what, though … buy me dinner,
we’ll see what happens…

We’ll see. “What happens
in Vegas stays in Vegas”
ain’t true with YouTube.

…Ain’t true! With YouTube
You CAN milk 15 seconds
into infamy!

Into infamy…
…and be yawned. Balloons are so
five minutes ago.

Five minutes a go-
nad, and still the vet charges
an arm and a leg!

An arm and a leg.
Donner, party of seven.
The first course is served.

The first course is served
Veiled insults with side of guilt
Dinner with the folks

Dinner with the folks?
Please, make a good impression.
Put your pants back on.

Put your pants back on
backwards. Kris Kross fantasy.
Please don’t tell your friends.

Please don’t tell your friends
Tell your enemies instead
Keep closer it’s said

Keep closer. It’s said,
“love something, set it free.” Well,
our love’s not that strong.

Our love’s not that strong-
willed to survive the coming
wave of apathy.

Wave of apathy,
I surf a board of ennui,
On your listless swell.

On your list: Less “Swell!”
“Keen!” “Neat-O!” and a bit more
corporate claptrap.

Corporate clap: trap
for those who dally with their
sexy office mates.

sexy office mates
may leave marks on more than your
permanent record

Permanent record
a chaos of DNA
sleeping in my bed

Sleeping in my bed
is a man I’ve never seen.
His mistake or mine?

3 Responses to “The Chain So Far”

  1. Jenny T Says:

    OMG! LOLCAT!1!!!
    The stealthy ninja cat strikes.
    Not so funny now.

    and….

    OMG! LOLCAT!1!!!
    I’M IN UR HAIKU WEBSITE
    CRUNCHING SYLLABLES

  2. Julie Says:

    Keeps his briefs snow white…
    indeed the worst first line in
    haiku history.

  3. Karena B. Says:

    Keep closer it’s said
    Much closer and I’ll be sad
    You smell like dumpster


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